I am in a quandary of sorts, once again. The fact that my
boy, my Mattie is growing up so fast is completely throwing me for an emotional
loop. I am at times, a mess and wonder and worry if I have prepared him well
enough to step foot outside the security of his own home. I have done my best not
be a helicopter mom but I know there have been times I’ve failed miserably.
There have been times I have done the wrong thing because I was scared to let
go, scared that he would get hurt, scared that I would hurt him. I have probably sheltered him too much, because
of my own fears, not his. And as I sit here today, looking back on the last 15
years, I wonder if I am standing alone or does every parent have trouble
letting go, letting their kids grow up and steer their path towards the unknown,
away from the confines of the safety we’ve provided? I’m afraid that my fears will
stifle his growth, his abilities and his potential to dream for a better life
outside of this small town. As a mother I am guilty of one thing. I am guilty of
placing my son in a big, protective bubble. The bubble I created, encasing him
in safety; one he is desperate to escape, a bubble I have considered wrapping
in tempered steel, forever.
Mattie is 15 now, a sophomore in high school, an honor roll
student and a high school varsity basketball starter who stands 6’1. He is no
longer a baby, this I know. He is a young man and I realize that he is way
overdue for me to loosen the reins. It’s just my heart won’t let me. I have
realized my problem has nothing to do with losing control over him but rather
about the fear of not being there when he needs me, not being able to make
things better, not being able to comfort him and not being able to fulfill the
promise I made to him. I also fear when he leaves, I will miss him more than I
can bear. If truth be told, at times, I am paralyzed by this fear. I contain it
the best I can. I try not to burden him with my worries or my sadness. I try to
encourage him, tell him everything will be okay, that I will be okay. Every day
I witness his beautiful life of promise, his desire to journey out into the
world, unafraid, to explore and find his place in it. He is just beginning to
blossom and as I watch him, I am overcome with a personal sadness for the loss
of my baby but am filled with happiness and pride for the young man he has
become. And that helps or at least it should.
I do my very best to be excited about his joining the New
York Golden Eagles Basketball team where he will be travelling to Pennsylvania,
D.C., NYC, Ohio, Maryland, Jersey and South Carolina to play against some of
the best athletes in the country and International players from Spain,
Lithuania and The Czech Republic . He will go up against kids that are bigger,
stronger, faster and have more experience, on and off the court and yet I know
it is an amazing opportunity for him. As my heart is breaking, I smile and tell
him that he is ready, he is prepared, and he can do anything he wants to do. He
feels ready to venture out without me. He feels ready for this step in his
life. I have no doubt about his desire to play with this team, the need to go
out and make a mark for himself in the sport in which he loves so much. He is
ready to let go, ready to move forward with his life. But the question is, am I?
The days pass by, the clock ticks on with lightning speed
and I suddenly don’t feel there is enough time, for anything. I want a do over,
a second chance to change things, to do things differently. Possibly something
more, or something less. To prepare him, to better prepare myself for a life
without him in it, every day. I know the
bubble is a purely selfish thing, a cocoon for this young man I love so very
much and never want to let go. But I realize it’s inevitable. He will leave,
sooner rather than later. This year it’s travel basketball, tomorrow it will be
college, a more permanent separation and soon after he will have made a whole
new life for himself. It’s something I should find complete and utter joy in,
and yet I can’t. I’m not ready. It’s happening too fast. My head knows that
going away, doing things on his own is what’s best for him. But what about my
heart? What do I tell it? I’ve talked myself down off this ledge a million
times. I tell myself that I will have less worry, and more time, to travel, to
plan, to do nothing. But the hard part is my entire identity, my entire self is
wrapped up in him. My whole life has been about him, about keeping him safe,
about protecting him, about seeing that he has everything he needs, about making
his life a much better and different version than my own, about making him
happy. What do I do when he no longer needs me to do those things? Do those
needs magically disappear when he does? Will a new me emerge and take with it
the old, mom me? Or do I simply have to let time do its thing, sit with it
awhile, learn to accept it and let him go. I am to blame for my situation.
Mattie is simply doing what kids do. And that is to grow up, to move on to
bigger and better things. For this, I cannot fault him. We’ve all done it. It’s
the natural order of life, I guess. I just hope when he leaves home, he
understands the sacrifices I have made for him and how very much I love him. I hope he
knows how incredibly proud I am of him and even though I have made mistakes, I
did the best I could do with what I had. I tried to be the best mother I knew
how to be. I hope he knows that being his mother has been the greatest joy of
my life. And finally I hope he understands my intentions were always good, misguided
perhaps, but his heart and well-being were always at the forefront of my
decisions. I hope as he grows older he will learn to accept my misgivings, be willing
to forgive my faults and my failures and I hope he can learn to understand my
reasoning for everything; even the bubble.
UPDATE*** Mattie decided not to join the Golden Eagles. He went with a more local AAU travel team. Is it a win for me? I'm not sure.
