Living in upstate NY, it is very common to see a black bear roaming in your neighborhood or your yard for that matter. My home/neighborhood is no exception. We have had a visitor lately; a 250 pound; I assume, hungry black bear attempting with all his might to break open our garbage bin. He was not successful. So he did a little bit of damage to the structure, checked out the garage door and went moseying on down my driveway towards the road.
I called my husband because although common in these parts, it can still be a bit disheartening to have such a massive creature just feet from your deck and door. My husband is a police officer and works odd hours, leaving me and Mattie home alone at night, quite a bit of the time. My husband just kept repeating, “Do not go outside”. Um….DUH! I wasn’t planning on it. So not only is he nervous/scared for me, he is so protective that he calls a neighboring police agency to go check on his wife. WTF? Really? Oh and did I forget to mention that I have 2 very large, barking dogs that would not allow anyone or anything to get into the house to harm me or my child?? But nevertheless, the call was made to the police. To say I was mortified while 2 police officers were roaming my back yard with flashlights looking for said bear, is an understatement. I mean really, the bear had been gone for nearly 20 minutes, most likely scared away by my 2 dogs constant (and I mean constant) barking and growling. I felt like a pathetic, scared woman that could not deal with a simple bear sighting (which may I remind you….HAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN UPSTATE NY) I was in my pajama shirt, knee hi socks and UGG boots with, of course, a glass of wine in hand, peering out the window, relieved when they finally agreed that the bear had left on its own accord. I poked my head out and kindly thanked them and apologized for wasting their time. Of course, they were polite and said, “No problem ma’am” which of course, to me, meant, “You’re stupid and ridiculous for being scared over something that happens everyday. And yes fool, you have wasted our time. Put your big girl panties on lady and suck it up. You live in the woods. Get used to it.”
I know my husband well so this is how I assume the phone call to his cop buddy went: “Yea man, can you just swing by my house when you get time. My wife called and was scared that there was a bear in the yard. I know dude, she’s overreacting but can you just go check on her for me? It will make her feel better”. The End.
I can’t help but laugh. I must assume he meant well and felt that in his absence, he did the only thing he could to look out for me and Mattie but dear Lord. I am a big girl and I know what to do in the event of a bear in the yard.
1. Do Not Go Outside.
2. Shut all windows. Not so much because the bear could get in, but because my one dog, Max who is a 95 pound boxer/lab has been known to jump through a screen or two to check out what’s going on outside. Just ask the UPS man that dared come into my yard to deliver packages one day.
3. Lock all doors. Women naturally think of this when anything whether bear, gremlin, ghost, serial killer, etc makes us nervous. It is our instinct to protect our offspring. Locking the door is a good place to start.
4. Find a weapon. We have guns and ammunition in the home but I have not been taught how to fire these weapons, nor do I even know where they are in the home so I keep my bow close at hand in case I have to eff this bear up, or anything else that poses a threat.
5. Drink more wine.
Yup, I think that about wraps up my list of “what to do when a bear comes calling” instructions. It is informative and easy to follow so I have no doubt that in the future I will be able to once again, protect my family and my home. I try to explain to my hubby that I typically have liquid courage (more likely than not, Merlot) coursing through my body and that I am a big girl with my big girl panties on and that he needn’t bother his “brothers” anymore to assist his wife. The bear and I are cool. Until next time folks, drink up!
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