Get Over it Already

It’s what I tell myself every day. Sometimes you just have to get over certain things, especially the things that you cannot change. Sometimes you have to let go, forgive those that have hurt you and move in a direction that at least resembles a forward motion. But then I ask myself, what if you can’t get past the very thing that is hurting you most? When you think the resentment and hurt will never go away, I wonder is there any way for that relationship to survive?

On an ordinary night in September, sitting in our favorite little bar, my husband looked tense and somewhat uncomfortable. I, of course asked him what was troubling him. We had only been married for 3 months and had been trying to get pregnant for 4 months. I thought we were happy and heading down the right path, heading in a forward motion. To say that I was ill-prepared for what he had to say to me was an understatement. He turned to me and proceeded to tell me that he was no longer sure that he wanted to have a baby anymore. As I sat there, on the verge of tears, I think he went into a spiel about wanting to do things with me, travel and have time together and that somehow he didn’t think a baby really seemed conducive to the life he had wanted to share with me. I think my whole body went numb and I had tunnel vision because I couldn’t think straight. Everything went black. But I did come out of my coma just in time to hear him say, “plus I can already see us divorced and me paying for a kid that I don’t see”.

I am sure the words he spoke were not meant to sting as bad as they did. I am sure his words were said with no more of a filter or a concerning nature than he would typically use in conversations with me. I am sure he didn’t think of how his words would translate to my already emotional heart. I am sure his words were simply meant, not as an actual predictor of our future apart but more of his normal cynical view of the world. His words, of course, hit me harder and deeper than he or I could have imagined.

After that day, I went into a spiral, downwards and backwards, definitely no longer a forward motion. From that point on, we never really spoke of a baby again. I went on birth control pills because by that time, I knew I could never allow myself to have his child. Not so much because he had denied me the one thing that I longed for but because I no longer trusted him to take care of me or my heart. And as much as I wanted another child, why would I bring a child into a world where cynicism and negativity was the pre-curser to their existence? I don’t know what happened to me that day. In a sense I feel like I shut down, like part of me died. A part of my new marriage died that day too. But more importantly, the belief in my husband’s love for me died too.

 Fast forwarding 2 years, the words still ring in my ear and stings just as bad as they did sitting in that little bar that September night. I fear these feelings of resentment and hurt will never go away. We are functioning as best we can. We both know something is wrong but neither of us bridge the gap anymore. I do my best everyday to get over it, get past it, put it to rest and move forward but I simply don’t have the strength anymore. It hurts far too bad. I watch movies or see commercials about babies and I always end up crying and feeling heartbroken all over again. He watches me cry and says nothing to console me. He knows this was a decision, a life altering choice he made for both of us. I didn’t have a option. I am 41 years old. My time to have children is dwindling fast and as I said, I no longer have the trust in him that I used to, the kind of trust it takes to bring a life into this world. He is not a stupid man. He knows the hurt that I feel. He sees it on my face every single day. He knows what he has done and now he cannot fix it. I try to voice my opinion, my hurt and frustration but I can no longer articulate my heartache to him. I feel as if he doesn’t deserve that part of me.  Maybe he doesn’t deserve any part of me.

 Our plan all along was to get married and have a family of our own. In the 10 years I have known him, he has always wanted children so I don’t know what happened in the couple months since we had gotten married. Maybe this was his plan all along which I cannot even begin to wrap my brain around. I can’t allow myself to believe he purposely deceived me; that he pretended to want children to get me to marry him. I can’t allow myself to believe that he would hurt me that badly. My only other thought is that he wanted children but maybe, just maybe, he didn't want to have them with me.

As for the moving forward thing, I will find my way, I have no doubt. I always do. I am just venting, releasing the pain with words in hopes that it will go away. I am truly saddened by a decision he made without me; a decision that I cannot change. But I also don’t want this to overtake me, make me lose sight of all that I do have. I don’t want to be angry with him. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to look forward. I cannot allow the pain of never having another child overshadow my one blessing in this life. I am so grateful for the privilege God gave me to be Mattie’s mother. He has been the greatest gift of my life.

All I can do is promise myself that tomorrow I will try and give my blessings more power than my pain. I will promise to look forward no matter how hard it may be. I will promise that I will do my very best to put it to rest and get over it. But my one question is this…When he looks back on his life, a life possibly with me, or without me, a life with no children to watch grow up, no one there to carry on his name, I wonder will he be able to just get over it?