It is what it is

I always say, “It is what it is” and today is no exception. I use that term often and quite honestly, loosely. The sadness of my ordinary life is compounded by the fact that my father in law has Cancer and is dying. Although his finality is looming, no one knows how much time he has left or what his final days will be like. But I am, once again, in a position of not knowing what to do or what to say, to anyone, especially my husband.

The truth of the matter is I have lost a lot of people in my life. However, I have never lost a parent. For most part of my life, I have only had one parent; my mother. So the thought of losing a father is foreign to me, other than the obvious which is that I never really had a father to lose in the first place. I really have no comprehension of what my husband or his siblings are going through. I can try to understand their anger, their frustration, and their sadness but not truly. I cannot conceive of ever losing my mother so I imagine their thoughts and feelings are overwhelming to each of them. I do my best, every day to be there for my husband, to be my best self for him. Not just because he is losing his father, a part of his identity I don’t think he has ever come to terms with, but because for the longest time, I have loved him. It seems even with sadness and tragedy as the backdrop of our present life, I can do nothing right, nothing to console him. It is a commonality in my world these days to feel as if I am anything but what he needs. I have felt for some time that Mattie and I are nothing more than an obligation; a nuisance to what would have been his otherwise, uncomplicated life. But I would think at a time like this, he would find a reason to reach out to me, find a reason to feel comfort within these 4 walls he calls a home. He does not. He is angry and impossible and yet I continue to hold on, to shut up, to sit on the sidelines, waiting for him to need me. He is a part of me. He has been since I met him and yet, I feel as if I am failing him, and failing fast to provide what he needs. Even though I believe he longer knows what it is he needs or wants. My opinion doesn’t count anymore but I think he is so used to being unhappy and angry that he doesn’t understand when love stares him in the face. Mattie adores him for reasons I cannot fathom. I love him for reasons I can no longer express to anyone who asks me anymore. Nevertheless, mine and Mattie’s love remains and holds a vigil until the person we both know and love, returns. I don’t know if that day will ever come. Sometimes people can become so wrapped up in keeping up with their convictions and their idea of what’s right that they don’t see when they went terribly wrong. I can only hang on for so long. I haven’t really discussed my time frame with anyone other than Mattie and although I think I tell him far too much of my adult world to such a young man, he understands me like no other. He knows I am not happy and that no matter what I do does not make Tom happy. He is young but not stupid. Nor am I. I think because of my childhood and feeling as if I have wasted a huge part of my life on people that didn’t deserve my attention or my sadness, I am quicker to dismiss the things in my life that no longer work or hold happiness for me. I suppose dismiss is not the right word because I feel in my heart I reject a lot of things that hurt me or cause me sadness; my marriage nor Tom have been either of these things. But I know that I will not live the rest of my life unhappy. I simply won’t. Not for the biggest, most beautiful house in the world. Not for a false sense of security or stability for my child or myself. Not for someone that spews anger in every direction. And certainly not for a man that refuses to provide love, attention and acknowledgement to the two people in his world who deserve it most. So, today as I sit here, I can only repeat my own declaration; it is what it is. No matter what I do. For now, I can’t change my surroundings. I can’t reason with someone who won’t be reasoned with. I can’t talk to someone who doesn’t care what I have to say. For now, I will remain silent and carefully watch the train wreck that is heading straight for me. I will stay by his side, taking whatever he throws at me, in the attempt to give him the space and/or support he needs to deal with his father’s illness. I will take it all in, take the blame, and take the bullshit, all in the name of loving a man who absolutely refuses to let me love him.