The past few days have been pretty rough for me, but in spite of packing my life into boxes and running around like a crazy person, I have remained somewhat intact and collected. I have many people to thank for that…friends; some old, some new, some I thought I lost and some I didn’t even know I had and the wonderful family who never ventures far from my side, just in case I need them. But I think my greatest strength comes from the blue-eyed, grinning, 8 year-old that sings every Nickleback song with me at the top of his lungs as we drive in the car…. I started thinking of Mattie and all he has been through and it was at this moment that I wished my spirit were as resilient as his. Children have this amazing power within them. It’s the power to “bounce back” from the things that life throws at us. I think adults lose this “something” over time, over hurt and heartaches, over bumps and bruises and they never quite regain again. But children are filled with it. It’s like this syrupy, gooey wonderment of stuff that they are instilled with. They rebound and recoup much quicker than we do. They feel pain and heartache just like us but that inner power overrides it, smashes it into a million pieces and after a little time passes; it is replaced with some incredible memory or adventure. They move on and smile the big smile and wonder why we are still sad when there are so many wonderful things just waiting for us up ahead…if only we would take the time to see it…to experience it. They watch and wait, expecting us to catch up with them and yet somehow we never really do.
The upcoming move has been quite a big deal for Mattie. He thought we were going to stay put this time and land… so to speak. So I think he is disappointed and hurt that things didn’t work out. I think he is disappointed for me. But even in the darkest of times, there he is with a big, beautiful smile, comforting me. Telling me that it’s not my fault…that we will be okay no matter where we live…that he won’t let anyone hurt me or make me cry…that he will protect me all the way to the moon and back again. It’s an incredible thing, how he has grown. He is so big and strong, so ready to conquer the world. I wondered if it was normal for a child his age to want to fight his mothers’ battles. I had hoped so. But a little part of me knew that simply by me being his mother, I had probably aged him well beyond his years and for that, I felt sad. I had always prided myself on letting him be a child, never allowing worries or hurts to enter his world beyond a simple scraped knee or a fight with his cousin and yet, already, he feels the need to assist and protect his mother and defend a situation he doesn’t fully understand.
But once again, it is that “something” that kids have within them that protects their hearts and their skin from the, sometimes, harsh realities of the world around them. They don’t need to fully understand anything. They know that life can be hard but they instinctively know that tears end and pain fades away and although Mattie can’t comprehend the magnitude of what has happened in my life, he is there reassuring me that I will…that we will… be just fine. He reminds me every single day…that life is beautiful and so worth living….
I can’t say that I would like to relive my childhood to gain that “something” back. I’m not even quite sure that my childhood included that amazing something but it’s nice to know that it lives in my child. It’s nice to know that he has that “something” protecting him for a bit longer. It would be neat though, if children could use their resilience and their power to somehow give us back what we have lost over time. I imagine the world would be a much happier place. Having the ability to release a painful experience long before the shelf life we had given it had run out. Having the ability to bounce right back into our lives without really missing a beat. It would be something…wouldn’t it? I suspect that life will continue just as it always has though. Children will remain the wondrous creatures that they are. They will laugh and smile, play and move forward, progressing each and every day. And as for us grownups…I suppose, we will bounce back when we are good and ready…And not one second before.
