Blessings

I had a conversation last night with my best friend who was having a very bad day and we spoke of our children and life's complexities and all the other little things that friends talk about and somehow we got on the subject of our blessings or the things we should feel grateful for. We wondered why all the wonderful things in our lives; our families, our children, our friends sometimes just aren't enough to see us through days when we feel like everyone is against us, even those that claim to love us most. During these times, we feel more alone than ever and no matter how many wonderful things you have in your life, no matter how friendly the voice is on the other end of the phone, you feel as if you are wandering the earth aimlessly…alone. I don't think it is that we forget about all the blessings we have but we certainly seem to lose sight of them from time to time. ..

We all walk through life with the weight of the world on our shoulders, so much baggage that we can hardly stand up straight anymore. We take on so much, so much that is not ours to shoulder and yet we think that if we don't continue to take the brunt of everything, be responsible for everything and everyone; that somehow the earth will shift and fall off its axis. It is far too much for anyone to bear alone. And that is where our blessings come in. Because no matter how alone we feel in those awful moments of our day (month or year) we must remember that we aren't. We just have to accept help when it's offered and we need to learn how to drop some of the baggage at the door. Life is far too short and I know when a situation or circumstance subsides, and the smoke clears, we will look back on these moments and realize how much time and energy we wasted being angry or sad about things that most of the time, we have no control over. That is precious time we will never get back. I know that while the pain is creeping up and you find it hard to breathe, it is difficult to see anything else but know that there are those in the world who will walk with you and help carry your baggage when it becomes too much to carry on your own. There are those who will shoulder the burden with you. There are those in this world that want nothing from you but to see you laugh and find joy. To have you live peacefully, the life you were intended to live. At times the world may seem so dark that you feel like things will never be okay but then tomorrow comes and with it, the sunshine. I have no doubt that life works out, one way or another. It usually isn't just as we planned but we take along our blessings and all the other things that make our lives good. This does not in any way take away from the pain or sorrow we feel in our own hearts from time to time but it may help to know that others are on your side, fighting the good fight right along with you

That is why it is so important… when our blessings come knocking to remind us that they are still there…We need to let them in…

The Bitch Advice

The other day, I felt, once again, that undeniable feeling; my heart beginning to race, the uncontrollable shake of my hands, small beads of sweat starting to form, an overwhelming feeling of uneasiness and fear and for the umpteenth time this year, I knew I was having another panic attack. It comes on slowly but before you know it, it grabs hold and there is little you can do to tame it. You just have to ride it out and wait for it to subside, which unfortunately, for me, takes at least 30 minutes. I was frustrated by the fact that these attacks still visited me, especially after I felt as if my life was, at the very least, heading in the right direction. Not great…but under the circumstances, I was managing. And just as my panic attacks crept up on my so did the reality of my plight. I knew that my life was not perfect. I certainly had issues but didn’t everyone? I realized that the stress I had been through over recent months had taken its toll and it was finally catching up to me in the form of anxiety. Simply stated, I was no longer in control of my own life. It was being run by other people. It is not an unusually foreign concept to me as it was taught to me early in life. Things like…take a backseat to everyone, try and please all around you, be afraid of everything, always be accommodating, keep quiet, never speak up, don’t get angry for fear of what others may think, etc… These are only a few of the examples on how I have learned to run my life. Until now, that is. Make no mistake though. I am not having a pity party not am I sitting back placing blame on the bystanders or participants in my life. I, alone, am responsible for my circumstance and every single day, I take on the overwhelming consequences of being a doormat.

An amazing person in my life, whom I have come to trust more than any other human being, told me that all I had to do to correct my situation and to stop the panic attacks was easy. It surely wasn’t going to be some little pill that would alleviate my stress and anxiety. The answer was simple, at least in his eyes. He said I needed to learn to be a bitch. I suppose some would argue, at times, I already am but he meant a different kind of bitch. Not the kind that thrives on hurting others but rather, the kind that rises up in protest when someone is taking advantage of me. The kind that lends a protective cover from the hurtful blows that people can throw. The kind that teaches me to say no to people and things that don’t deserve my time or my loyalty. The kind that teaches me to stand up for myself and allows me to speak my mind regardless of what others may think. The kind that gives me the knowledge and the strength to let go of things in my life that are no longer good for me, in spite of my heart telling me to hold on. The kind that understands the difference between those who have my best interest at heart and those who simply have their own interest at heart. And lastly, the kind that teaches me to have a thicker skin when it comes to heartaches, to endure life’s disappointments with a little less impact. Changing from the “good, always there, never complaining persona”…to simply “bitch” persona could prove difficult for me but for my own sanity and well-being, I promised this individual that I would make the effort. Realizing that this transformation was not a complete change in my personality but merely a modification of the me I’d always been. I was fairly confident that I could somehow lean to be a bitch. To somehow turn off all the emotions I was feeling about everything and everyone around me and concentrate solely on myself. I was also confident that the world would not collapse and that people would still go on in spite of my absence. All would be well even if I chose to bow out for awhile.

So, during my “transformation” of sorts, I am hopeful for many things. I hope I can learn to speak up, lighten up, smile a lot more and jump into my small, beautiful world with both feet. I hope I can learn to let go, take it easy and let the insane world around me, run itself. I hope I can stop beating myself up over people and things that I have absolutely no control over. I hope I can put the words “no” and “I don’t’ want to” into my vocabulary of life. I hope I can learn that everyone is responsible for their own lives, their choices and the consequences of those choices. I hope I can find a balance between the things that are important to me and still remain the kind of mother, daughter, sister and friend I have always been. But my greatest hope is that maybe after this experience, after becoming a bitch of sorts, I will end up being a happier, better version of myself…

It must be said that in my 37 years of life, I have been given plenty of advice; some good, some bad, some even catastrophic but certainly advice to become a bitch is a first for me. Gaining a bit of humor and possibly for the first time, a backbone, I thought I might take a chance and run with it…

P.S. I’m tossing out the doormat!

This Time

As I reach the latest crossroad in my life, I am overwhelmed by the possibility of the unknown. What lies in wait for me just on the other side of this life that I planned? I’m hardly the best person to ask when it comes to life, love and the pursuit of happiness, so from where I stand, I wouldn’t even begin to guess. My hope is that there are good and wonderful things waiting for me but I simply don’t know. That is the funny thing about life. It is unpredictable and messy, to say the least. At any given point, life can switch gears, change course and completely throw you off the path you had been walking down. But no matter what life brings, you inevitably have to pick yourself up and carry on. My problem is, I don’t know how.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt sure of everything…certain about my future, certain about my choices and certain about my love and trust in another human being. It was uncomplicated and beautiful. No more doubts, no more pain, no more questioning what should be. So, to find myself sitting here today in this particular place feeling the exact way I swore I would never feel again, completely defines irony. I don’t know how I ended up here. I don’t know what I could have done differently to make the outcome turn out like I thought it was supposed to. I simply don’t know and as I struggle to understand, the world as I know it, begins to collapse.

I had, up until this point never thought that another life was possible for me. I never once believed that this one corner of the world I created for myself wasn’t exactly where I was supposed to be. I never thought for one moment that all I had fought for, all that I believed in would come tumbling down around me, again. Because in my heart, I knew this time was different. This time everything was right. This time I knew it was going to work out for me. This time, I was finally going to get it right.  And throughout this whole process, I suppose that has been the hardest part for me to get past. Being so wrong when I had so much faith in it being right. Something of this magnitude certainly makes you think twice about your abilities and your decision making skills as an intelligent person. You go over and over it in your head a million times, wondering and analyzing each conversation hoping for a glimmer of something that you missed. Something that you should have seen. A tiny sign that told you to be careful, tread lightly…things aren’t exactly as they seem. And in those missed moments, you become vulnerable. You let your guard down, you let people in, you trust and you take a chance on someone you feel worthy enough to have your heart.  Sometimes you get it right and sometimes you don’t. But I guess that’s the way life goes. It’s the way love goes.