Signs

Most everyone is familiar with the old adage, something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. This saying can be dated all the way back to the Victorian Era. It was English culture that believed each line of this poem represented good luck tokens for the bride. If the bride wore these tokens throughout the day, it was a sign that her marriage was to be a happy one.

I have always believed in signs. Sometimes I look for them and find none and then other times, I am not looking and one smacks me square in the face. Some signs are obvious, some, not so much. As I look back on my wedding(s) (yup, that would be both of them) there is one similarity. I wore my Nana’s blue chalcedony brooch which I always loved as a little girl. It was given to me after my Nana passed away. It holds really no value except for what it means to me. It was a piece of her and now it was a piece of me. Since she died when I was 13, I knew she would never see me walk down the aisle so wearing the brooch made me feel closer to her, as if somehow she was there with me. Looking back at the 2 years since my second wedding, I wonder if she might have been trying to tell me something.

First of all, it must be said, that I was always close with my Nana, even years after her death, I have always felt her love and guidance all around me. I feel as if she has given me a multitude of signs over the years. There have been unexplained things, items moved in my house, things falling off shelves, things rolling on the floor and an overall feeling that she was with me. At times, she has scared the crap out of me. Like the time that the beautiful Buddha she made in her ceramic shop sudden lost its head and rolled on the floor in front of me. No one was touching it or even near it. To me that was her way of saying “Buddha doesn’t belong here. So MOVE him!” To which, I quickly did, without hesitation. Since then, Buddha has found an appropriate home every time I have moved him and subsequently has kept his head attached to his body.

My first wedding went off without a hitch. It was a beautiful service, a beautiful reception all the while wearing my Nana’s brooch pinned safely on my garter belt. Unfortunately the marriage did not work out but I know my Nana was there blessing my day. My second wedding, although beautiful, has undoubtedly taken a detour I hadn’t expected. Things are not working between us and the harder I try to make things better, the worse everything becomes. I feel as if I no longer know the man I married.  Nevertheless, the day of my wedding, I was so incredibly happy and looking forward to a life with someone that I had loved for so many years.  I once again attached the beautiful brooch to my garter. Without my knowledge, in the chaos of getting ready along with 7 bridesmaids, 1 junior bridesmaid and 1 flower girl, the brooch fell off onto my sister in laws floor. I heard a noise but didn’t stop to look down to see if I dropped anything. We all continued getting dressed and were then packed like sardines into the limo. Half way between my house and the venue, I realized my Nana was no longer with me. Her brooch must have been the “thing” I heard hit to floor. I was devastated at the thought of not having it with me….Plus, God help me if I was missing the “something old, something blue” token. I was near tears in the back of the limo when my future sister in law gave me her sapphire ring to wear for the wedding. I was grateful to her, allowing me to continue this wedding tradition but for awhile I was inconsolable in the limo. I was soon reminded by my girls that I needed to pull it together. After all I was getting married to the man I had waited so long for. My Nana would surely understand, of this I knew.

Fast forward nearly 2 years, and I can’t help but wonder if my Nana chose not to be present at my wedding. Did she know something I didn’t? Could she see this man that I loved so much turn into someone that I would no longer recognize? Could she sense the sadness and loneliness that was to befall my life? Did she know that he would change and become a selfish and angry person? Did she see him, before God promising to love and watch out for Mattie only to have him abandon those promises? Did she see it all, watching me from heaven? Of this, I do not know. I am not sure I ever will. It saddens me even more that she may have tried to tell me and I simply ignored her. Maybe she was giving me signs all along and because I loved him so much and could not imagine a life without him, I ignored all her pleas.

I still love my husband and I wish so much that he was once again, the person I fell in love with all those years ago but as I have stated, I don’t know where he has gone and I certainly don’t know how to get him back.  He lives in a world very different than mine, a world of mistrust, unhappiness and anger, everyday. And nothing I do or say can bring him to love and trust me. My spirit is broken and I feel as if I have been “duped”. I feel more defeated than I have ever felt in my life. I try to look for the positives in any situation. (That is my glass half full mentality that I simply can’t abandon.) I know that I was blessed with an amazing child, a wonderful family and adoring friends all for which I am incredibly thankful and seldom take for granted. They have been my rock. They have been my soft place to fall when I feel as if I cannot take anymore. They have uplifted and encouraged me. They remind me regardless of how my husband feels or how he behaves, that I am a vibrant, intelligent, beautiful, caring woman that deserves the best that life has to offer. I try to remember their words as I soul search about what to do with my life.

The funny thing is when I feel my worst, I look to my Nana to give me a sign, and I simply don’t see one. I want her to tell me if each decision I make is the right one or the wrong one; to give me something tangible, to help guide me. Maybe she did what she could and now I have to start the work of cleaning up my own mess, learning how to once again, take care of myself and Mattie. I look at the Buddha comfortably atop my living room shelf, I look to the stars, I pray to the moon for her guidance but to no avail. I have never felt abandoned by her despite her absence. Knowing her, it is simply her way of telling me there are some things in life where signs are obvious and cosmic, even deliberate and not even I need someone to show me what I already know.

The Bear Scare

Living in upstate NY, it is very common to see a black bear roaming in your neighborhood or your yard for that matter. My home/neighborhood is no exception. We have had a visitor lately; a 250 pound; I assume, hungry black bear attempting with all his might to break open our garbage bin. He was not successful. So he did a little bit of damage to the structure, checked out the garage door and went moseying on down my driveway towards the road.

I called my husband because although common in these parts, it can still be a bit disheartening to have such a massive creature just feet from your deck and door. My husband is a police officer and works odd hours, leaving me and Mattie home alone at night, quite a bit of the time. My husband just kept repeating, “Do not go outside”. Um….DUH! I wasn’t planning on it. So not only is he nervous/scared for me, he is so protective that he calls a neighboring police agency to go check on his wife. WTF? Really? Oh and did I forget to mention that I have 2 very large, barking dogs that would not allow anyone or anything to get into the house to harm me or my child?? But nevertheless, the call was made to the police. To say I was mortified while 2 police officers were roaming my back yard with flashlights looking for said bear, is an understatement.  I mean really, the bear had been gone for nearly 20 minutes, most likely scared away by my 2 dogs constant (and I mean constant) barking and growling. I felt like a pathetic, scared woman that could not deal with a simple bear sighting (which may I remind you….HAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN UPSTATE NY) I was in my pajama shirt, knee hi socks and UGG boots with, of course, a glass of wine in hand, peering out the window, relieved when they finally agreed that the bear had left on its own accord. I poked my head out and kindly thanked them and apologized for wasting their time. Of course, they were polite and said, “No problem ma’am” which of course, to me, meant, “You’re stupid and ridiculous for being scared over something that happens everyday. And yes fool, you have wasted our time. Put your big girl panties on lady and suck it up. You live in the woods. Get used to it.”

I know my husband well so this is how I assume the phone call to his cop buddy went: “Yea man, can you just swing by my house when you get time. My wife called and was scared that there was a bear in the yard. I know dude, she’s overreacting but can you just go check on her for me? It will make her feel better”. The End.

I can’t help but laugh. I must assume he meant well and felt that in his absence, he did the only thing he could to look out for me and Mattie but dear Lord. I am a big girl and I know what to do in the event of a bear in the yard.

1.   Do Not Go Outside.

2.   Shut all windows. Not so much because the bear could get in, but because my one    dog, Max who is a 95 pound boxer/lab has been known to jump through a screen or two to check out what’s going on outside. Just ask the UPS man that dared come into my yard to deliver packages one day.
 

3.   Lock all doors. Women naturally think of this when anything whether bear, gremlin, ghost, serial killer, etc makes us nervous. It is our instinct to protect our offspring. Locking the door is a good place to start.

4.   Find a weapon. We have guns and ammunition in the home but I have not been taught how to fire these weapons, nor do I even know where they are in the home so I keep my bow close at hand in case I have to eff  this bear up, or anything else that poses a threat.

5.   Drink more wine.

Yup, I think that about wraps up my list of “what to do when a bear comes calling” instructions. It is informative and easy to follow so I have no doubt that in the future I will be able to once again, protect my family and my home. I try to explain to my hubby that I typically have liquid courage (more likely than not, Merlot) coursing through my body and that I am a big girl with my big girl panties on and that he needn’t bother his “brothers” anymore to assist his wife. The bear and I are cool. Until next time folks, drink up!