I made it through the holidays by the skin of my teeth. I
usually go all out decorating and baking because it’s my absolute favorite time
of the year. I am usually filled with happiness and the magic of the season.
But not this year. This year I put on a happy face for everyone but inside I am
dying. This year everything was different. Not only am I without my mother for
the first time but this may be the last year I have Mattie under this roof,
waking up with him on Christmas morning. Furthermore, Tom and I are just growing
more distant. We are virtual strangers and I can hardly stand it anymore. Days
pass and we barely utter a word to one another. We are roommates sharing a
house but even roommates share some kind of intimacy. Between us, there is
nothing.
I have learned not to cry. I have learned not to care. I
have learned to live with the silence that was once deafening to me. I have
learned to become angry. It is the only way I have managed to stay sane in a
house that fills me with nothing but craziness. It is the upside of anger. It
is the benefit of rage, of not caring. I am able to walk around and not give a
shit about what he is doing, where he is going, when he is coming home. I have
learned to tune everything out simply because I no longer care. It’s not to say
that I don’t care about him. I’m sure I still do, somewhere deep inside. I care
about his safety when he is working a job he hates. But he stopped caring about
me and my feelings a very long time ago and to manage my pain and to stay in
this house, to stay married to him for as long as I have, I had to become him.
I had to become angry.
I’ve come to terms with this new me. I don’t think anyone
has really noticed it except Tom. Maybe because I don’t need to be this me with
anyone but him. I’m hyper vigilant, untrusting, irritated, resentful and
downright pissed off all of the time. I guess I just got tired of pulling the
entire emotional weight of this marriage. I’ve been doing it for nearly 6 years
and frankly, I’m exhausted. I cannot do it anymore. It has taken the greatest
toll on my heart for I no longer believe in him or us. I have absolutely
nothing left to give. I am now as absent as Tom has been for the past 6 years
and I’m okay with it.
What I’ve come to realize since my mom’s death is that life
is so fucking short and that I deserve to be happy. She always told me so but I
guess I never really believed that until now. I was so focused on Tom and
Mattie, making sure they had everything they needed. And that if somehow I was
a good mother, a devoted wife that happiness would be earned like a medal of
honor that I could pin to my chest to show the world that I was good enough,
that I had done right by my family. That for all my trying, I would get back a
portion of the happiness I had given. But sadly, life doesn’t work that way. I
have given everything of myself to the two people who have meant the most to me
and although watching Mattie grow into a strong, intelligent young man who is
well on his way to adulthood, is rewarding, it is simply not enough for me
anymore. And every day, as I watch him gain more independence, I look around
and wonder what is left for me here, in this house, after he is gone. What will
become of me here? My purpose will be gone. My job. My reason for staying, will
be gone. Tom has given me nothing of himself, showed me nothing. Our marriage,
our life together is a joke. It is based on absolutely nothing. Built on dreams
of a life he never really wanted and promises never intended to keep.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry anymore. Secretly, I long
to, each and every day. But my anger keeps me in check. It simply won’t let me
betray myself in that way. It’s been too much hurt; far too many nights my
cries were ignored. Far too many nights my pleas fell on deaf ears. So I will
sit with my anger until it passes; until the anger turns to acceptance. Until I
can look at Tom without seeing resentment. Until I can see him as just a man
who made mistakes, who didn’t mean to hurt me. Until I can forgive him for
letting me down, for letting Mattie down. Until I can stop blaming him for
turning me into someone I hate.
Every day, I am still trying. Trying to figure out my place
in this mess. And my responsibility. I don’t blame Tom for everything although
it sounds like I do. I’m just stuck in the bitterness instead of the sorrow.
It’s not where I want to be, it’s where I need to be, for now. The loneliness
over the last several years nearly destroyed me and has leveled what little
confidence I have left. So it seems far less toxic sitting with the animosity,
having it resonate through my body, feeling the power of it instead of the
crushing blow of disappointment. It’s the upside of anger and it’s where I
belong.
