It's No Joke. Exercise and other things are a Bitch!

After months of doing nothing short of opening a bottle of wine, I decided that it was time for me to take my health and my life into my own hands.

My plan: Get up early every day, take my vitamins, exercise and drink plenty of water.

What happened yesterday: I woke up early, took my vitamins, exercised and drank plenty of water.

What happened today: Hit snooze button 5 times, forgot my vitamins, was too sore from exercise yesterday to exercise today, and at 10:00 am I have only consumed about 8 of my 64 daily ounces of water.

I would say that is not too shabby, right?

My main problem areas for which I need solutions:

1. I am not a good sleeper, I never have been. I have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep and not having knife-wielding clown dreams so when I finally fall asleep, I need to stay asleep. When my alarm clock goes off at 6 am, I simply cannot get myself out of the confines of my bed because the fact of the matter is I quite possibly have only been asleep for a few hours. So exercise in the morning (which I am told is best) is very difficult for me.

2. When I come home in the afternoon, I become a crazy person as I am trying to still clean up the mess from the day before. I walk through the dog hair tumbleweeds to the sink full of dirty dishes and become a frantic lunatic to figure out something edible for my family to eat for dinner. I open a bottle of wine and sit and stare at my surroundings. I think to myself, this would be a wonderful time to take a walk.

3. I don’t know how to take care of myself anymore. I am so incredibly busy caring for everyone and everything around me, that I constantly put myself on the back burner. This is I am sure, typical of many other working mothers. Secretly I tell myself that I must take care of myself in order to continue to work myself into the ground caring for everyone else but I simply don’t feel like there is time in the day. Either that or the guilt I feel doing something for myself, is simply too much for an ordinary weekday.

4. I would say, in part I am somewhat lazy or rather, unmotivated. I want to be in shape, have flatter abs, smaller legs and arms and I crave to be a size 4 again and yet I am not willing to give up certain things…like wine, bread, cheese or pasta. So shoot me! I am a real woman with curves and I wish at 41 I could come to terms with my body and stop wishing to have the body of an 18 year old. My mother keeps telling me that 20 years from now I will look back on my body and be amazed at how beautiful I was. That is hard to imagine. Supposedly in 20 years I will be praying for this not so flat belly, these not so muscular ex-dancer legs and these not so skinny arms.  So in my issue stricken desire to be a thinner, healthier version of myself but not give up anything I eat or drink illustrates my laziness aka my unmotivated tendencies. Ugh!

5. Metabolism sucks. Period. Unless you have one of those fast metabolisms where you can eat whatever you want and not gain a pound. In which case, I hate you! Think back now. The days of senior prom week when the dress you were going to wear was just a tad bit too tight and you gave up, I don’t know, GUM for the week and miraculously you lost 5 pounds. I guess this is where I revert to that 18 year old body image. I want it but don’t want to work for it. I suck and so does this slow metabolism that hit me when I was 35.

6. Media and magazines will destroy the true image of beauty. I wish someone would come out with a magazine featuring 35+ women that were sizes 8 and up, who were happy with their bodies and ooze their confidence on all the shmucks, like myself that are in peril over eating and dieting and hating themselves because they are not a svelte size 2 like LeeAnn Rimes or Victoria Beckham. I want someone with a Marilyn Monroe body advising me on how to love myself, how to stay motivated and how to cut back but not eliminate everything I love. Is that too much to ask?

As I re-read this blog, I am more struck by the fact that most likely, my issues have more to do with me being lazy or unmotivated rather than any other of my complaints. Of course, this is also me, being way too hard on myself. I am harder on myself than I ever would be on a friend or even a complete stranger. But I suppose that’s how it goes sometimes; being my own worst critic. Oh well. If self punishment were a true motivator, I would be putting down this piece of cheese in my hand and putting on my running shoes. Unfortunately, it’s not.    

My Teenager is Driving me Crazy

Why is it when I ask my 13 year old son certain questions, he looks at me like I am a zombie Cyclops with that one eye smack dab in the middle of my forehead that he can’t stop staring at? I honestly don’t believe I ask my child anything different/complicated/over the top/ridiculous more than any other parent. Here are my top 10 questions for my 13 pushing 25 year old and his responses.

1. Did you brush your teeth?

Response: Of course Mom

My Thoughts on his Response: (He is smiling and looking away, so I know he is LYING)

Why does he not understand the concept of taking care of his teeth? And why would he want to walk around all day with that odor permeating from his mouth?

2. Can you feed the animals? (2 dogs, 2 cats and a Beta fish)

Response: In a minute Mom. They won’t starve if I finish my game first.

My Thoughts on his Response: Um….No they won’t starve but if you got up and did it right now it would save me coming in there and kicking you ass!

3. Are you trying to make me crazy?

Response: Yes.

My Thoughts on his Response: Well I guess I don’t have a clever come back for that answer. At least he was honest with me on that one.

4. Why can you not put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?

Response: Because it was already full of clean dishes.

My Thoughts on his Response: Um…that would mean you would FIRST have to unload clean dishes from dishwasher and then place dirty dishes within the contraption. Ugh!

5. Can you clean or at least Febreeze your room?

Response: It doesn’t smell in here Mom and quite frankly I know where everything is.

My Thoughts on his Response: Not only does it smell like a locker room with everyone having funky feet and nasty armpits but I could write my name in the dust on his TV to send him a memo.

6. Can you please, please take a shower tonight?

Response: Oh come on Mom, I took one last week. Plus I went in the pool a couple times and chlorine kills everything. Don’t you know that?

My Thoughts on his Response: My child just infected the neighbor’s pool with his funk. And what ever happened to using SOAP dear child of mine???

7. Aren’t you going to eat dinner?

Response: Nah, I had 6 bowls of cereal and a couple Pop Tarts before you got home. I am not really hungry now.

My Thoughts on his Response: That the second I clean up dinner, do dishes, put them away and sit down with my wine, he will want something to eat which doesn’t involve HIM doing anything.

8. I understand the need to smell good but why so much cologne babe? I could smell you 6 blocks away.

Response: I didn’t use that much, Mom. God why do you have to always say stuff no matter what I do?

My Thoughts on his Response: If only Febreeze worked like his Axe cologne.

9. You haven’t been out of your room all day. I think you should put down the video games and come out here and spend some time with me. Don’t you?

Response: Negative, Mom. I told you that I may want to design video games when I graduate college. All this game playing is mere preparation to what could be a very promising career.

My Thoughts to his Response: This kid surely knows how to blow smoke up my ass doesn’t he? Video Game Design? Since when? Oh God, where is that bottle of wine I opened?

10. Why is it that you want to drive me crazy?

Response: Because it’s fun.

My Thoughts on his Response: Again, honest and I am far too tired to argue.

It is what it is

I always say, “It is what it is” and today is no exception. I use that term often and quite honestly, loosely. The sadness of my ordinary life is compounded by the fact that my father in law has Cancer and is dying. Although his finality is looming, no one knows how much time he has left or what his final days will be like. But I am, once again, in a position of not knowing what to do or what to say, to anyone, especially my husband.

The truth of the matter is I have lost a lot of people in my life. However, I have never lost a parent. For most part of my life, I have only had one parent; my mother. So the thought of losing a father is foreign to me, other than the obvious which is that I never really had a father to lose in the first place. I really have no comprehension of what my husband or his siblings are going through. I can try to understand their anger, their frustration, and their sadness but not truly. I cannot conceive of ever losing my mother so I imagine their thoughts and feelings are overwhelming to each of them. I do my best, every day to be there for my husband, to be my best self for him. Not just because he is losing his father, a part of his identity I don’t think he has ever come to terms with, but because for the longest time, I have loved him. It seems even with sadness and tragedy as the backdrop of our present life, I can do nothing right, nothing to console him. It is a commonality in my world these days to feel as if I am anything but what he needs. I have felt for some time that Mattie and I are nothing more than an obligation; a nuisance to what would have been his otherwise, uncomplicated life. But I would think at a time like this, he would find a reason to reach out to me, find a reason to feel comfort within these 4 walls he calls a home. He does not. He is angry and impossible and yet I continue to hold on, to shut up, to sit on the sidelines, waiting for him to need me. He is a part of me. He has been since I met him and yet, I feel as if I am failing him, and failing fast to provide what he needs. Even though I believe he longer knows what it is he needs or wants. My opinion doesn’t count anymore but I think he is so used to being unhappy and angry that he doesn’t understand when love stares him in the face. Mattie adores him for reasons I cannot fathom. I love him for reasons I can no longer express to anyone who asks me anymore. Nevertheless, mine and Mattie’s love remains and holds a vigil until the person we both know and love, returns. I don’t know if that day will ever come. Sometimes people can become so wrapped up in keeping up with their convictions and their idea of what’s right that they don’t see when they went terribly wrong. I can only hang on for so long. I haven’t really discussed my time frame with anyone other than Mattie and although I think I tell him far too much of my adult world to such a young man, he understands me like no other. He knows I am not happy and that no matter what I do does not make Tom happy. He is young but not stupid. Nor am I. I think because of my childhood and feeling as if I have wasted a huge part of my life on people that didn’t deserve my attention or my sadness, I am quicker to dismiss the things in my life that no longer work or hold happiness for me. I suppose dismiss is not the right word because I feel in my heart I reject a lot of things that hurt me or cause me sadness; my marriage nor Tom have been either of these things. But I know that I will not live the rest of my life unhappy. I simply won’t. Not for the biggest, most beautiful house in the world. Not for a false sense of security or stability for my child or myself. Not for someone that spews anger in every direction. And certainly not for a man that refuses to provide love, attention and acknowledgement to the two people in his world who deserve it most. So, today as I sit here, I can only repeat my own declaration; it is what it is. No matter what I do. For now, I can’t change my surroundings. I can’t reason with someone who won’t be reasoned with. I can’t talk to someone who doesn’t care what I have to say. For now, I will remain silent and carefully watch the train wreck that is heading straight for me. I will stay by his side, taking whatever he throws at me, in the attempt to give him the space and/or support he needs to deal with his father’s illness. I will take it all in, take the blame, and take the bullshit, all in the name of loving a man who absolutely refuses to let me love him.