This method that I rely so heavily on is how I have learned to survive in a world where uncertainty is commonplace. Life can take the most unbelievable turns. It is capable of bringing you more heartache than you thought you could bear but it can also bring you the greatest of joys. My life has certainly had its share of ups and downs but all along the way, my faith is the one thing that has never truly abandoned me. Even in my darkest hour, on the most desolate road of this journey, I have felt that all things; good and bad, happen for a reason. And sometimes, I need to stop in my tracks, shift focus and rethink all that is before me, in order to gain the perspective I need to move forward. In the moments of standing still, I hold fast to that small whisper. It tells me to listen closely. It protects me and allows me to wait out the storm within a protective shell, of sorts. It's the whisper that offers me words when I can no longer find my voice. It gives me time to retreat and obtain clarity on all that is going wrong so that I can try to make it right again. Because with each moment that passes, each moment of pain or confusion, one thing is certain….life goes on. It stops for no one. So, the quietness of standing still provides solace and stability to my life when I have lost my way. I remain still so that others can move. Inevitably someone says something or does something that can change the path that you were on. In a split second, choices can be made and your life can take a completely different direction. I realize that my idea of "standing still" may not be a very brave way of walking through this world. But being brave has never been my strong suit anyway. I tend to pick up my running shoes and take off long before I am able to muster the strength to be brave. But as I grow older, I find that running away from the people or things that hurt me is not the answer either…so in these moments of such uncertainty, the idea of standing still was born.
One would think that after living 37 years on this earth, somehow I would get used to the idea of change…that I would expect it or somehow come to rely on it. That this idea of standing still would be obsolete simply because I had learned to embrace change or at the very least, had come to expect a monkey wrench from time to time. But I haven't. I am still surprised by so many things. And as I stand still, I replay events, conversations spoken and choices made, hoping that in the midst of all the chaos, I would have taken a different path, learned my lesson and ended up in a different place from where I stand today. But I didn't. I am exactly where I left myself when I took off running. In my own defense though, I suppose we are essentially, all creatures of habit. We do what we do because it is what we are used to…what we are accustomed to. We do things; make the same choices because sometimes we just don't think we deserve any better. And sometimes, we simply don't know any better. They say that when you know better, you do better. I guess, I am a work in progress in that respect. During this time though, I certainly don't expect the world to stand still, for others around me to patiently wait as I do. I suspect that life will continue on in spite of everything and people will be braver in their lives than I have been. And although my method may seem strange or weak, I know precisely what I'm doing. I'm hanging up my running shoes. I choose to remain present in my life and to take the monkey wrenches as they come. And surely when I know better, I will do better. But until then….I will be right here….standing still.
