Author and Professor Joseph Campbell wrote, "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." When I first stumbled across this, I confess, I didn't interpret it in the manner in which Mr. Campbell probably intended. I think he wanted to provoke optimism in the masses of people searching for proof that life goes on even if things don't turn out like we planned. I think he wanted to challenge us to envision a different kind of life. A life that perhaps was not planned but nevertheless showed up on our doorstep. But Instead of being filled with optimism and hope, I jumped from my small wading pool of safety into an overwhelming sea of uncertainty and regret. And for someone like me who essentially believes in destiny, fate, karma, and cosmic forces, you wouldn't even think I would have had a plan. But I did…once.
What I now like to refer to as my "Master Plan" was big and beautiful. I even wrote it down for someone once. Someone who cared enough to ask me what I thought about, what I dreamed about. My plan included small things like, learning to speak Italian, playing the violin and traveling to some foreign country. My plan also included more substantial things like, getting married again, having another child, having a house of my own, etc…I centered myself around these substantial dreams. These were all the things I thought I wanted. All the things I thought I should want. But I have learned an undeniable truth about myself: That I am not at all who I thought I was.
I suppose looking back, making those plans for myself was my way of trying to make all the things that had gone wrong in my life, right again. My marriage had failed. I lost my home. I lost the only stability I had ever known. All the dreams I once had, were gone. They were the very things that made sense of my life. The very things that made me, me. The only thing I felt I hadn't lost was my beautiful son but because of all of the mistakes I had made, I thought that I had also failed him. So, part of me grieved for that life, for the mistakes I made, for the choices I knew I couldn't change and for the pain I caused. And in that grief, my master plan emerged. I tried to identify the turning point, the place in which my life veered off course. I thought that if I could pinpoint where I had gone wrong, that somehow I would get another chance to do things right. I could start over again and put my master plan into motion. But there is a funny truth about life. It hardly ever goes according to our plans. It plays by its own rules. It has its own definitions and ideas of what our lives should be. It's filled with choices and options and consequences. It's filled with twists and turns which can toss you in directions you hadn't planned.
Throughout my life but especially over the past year, I have taken many detours. But I have learned that taking detours, veering off your plans path, can sometimes bring unexpected joys. Amazing things and amazing people that one might never have known but for the detours. Still I wondered. Despite the wonderful things that have occurred in my recent life, was I really ready to sacrifice my dreams, these plans that I had always known to be right for me, in order to share my life with someone who didn't hold the same dreams? Had I abandoned my own ship just to avoid being alone? Or was I simply willing to take a chance on someone, believing that he is worth the risk? Maybe the winds of fate are at work. Maybe I need to let go of the past, let go of who I thought I was and just fall…trusting that he will be there to catch me. Because what if loving him leads me towards different dreams, better dreams? What if all this uncertainty is mere preparation for a life I didn't even know I wanted?
I realize how lucky I have been in my life. Maybe I don't really need those plans to bring happiness to my life. Maybe I clung to those plans because I was afraid to imagine a different life. Maybe I was afraid that if I gave up those dreams, I would no longer know who I was. I'm sure that I am sacrificing something. We all do, in our own way. But I look around at what I have and I know that the choices I have made, the cards that have been dealt, have brought me to the exact place where I am meant to be. Sometimes I still think of my plan and I wonder, if at the end of my life, I will have regrets. Regret for the things I wanted to do and never did. Regret for the children I may not have. Regret for another chance at marriage that I may never get. But I realize that these things, these plans do not define me. They are mere ideas I once had, dreams I once dreamed and I have every right to change my mind. Life is a trade off. Sometimes you have to give up one dream to hold onto another. I'm sure from time to time I will still wonder about my decisions and I will wonder if I chose wisely. I may wonder if abandoning all I have known to take a chance on the unknown was worth it. But to question our decisions and to make mistakes is what makes us human so I journey into the unknown without hesitation. I realize that my belief in the power of destiny is very much alive and I have to take things as they come. I have to look at my master plan, not with regret or fear that I failed but rather as an opportunity to have a different life. I never know what will show up at my doorstep or what the winds of fate have in store for me. But I am learning to completely embrace that which appears. For the cosmic forces seem to be in full swing and maybe, just maybe, they know better than I.
