I spent a wonderful night with my friends….dinner and a
movie. It’s the typical night out, date night. Except my husband is working and
I am, once again, finding comfort among my friends. Not that I do not enjoy my
friends or even appreciate my husband’s hard work, because I do, on both
accounts. But, I am without my husband more than not these days and I fear my
friends are growing tired of my story, and truth be told, so am I.
When I arrive home, I look at the four walls of the almost
5000 square foot unfinished house I do not own and I am puzzled by my
surroundings. This house, this life, with him, is all I ever thought I wanted.
It’s funny how time changes things or at least your perception of it. I never believed I would find myself here
again, alone and tired. It’s not the kind of tired from too much work but
rather, fighting the good fight and never coming out on top. I waited for this
man for such a long time and when you break it down, I left my first husband
for him. Not really though. My marriage had dissolved a long time before I ever
met Tom but that is how the story goes among insignificant people in an
insignificant town who think they know what happened in my marriage and frankly,
I have already come to terms with all of that nonsense. But as it has been told
to me, my consuming desire for another man, and my need for a new life was
actually the demise of my first marriage. But, I, the person that lived it,
have a far different story to tell. One that is far less likely to make the
local headlines or be the lead story on a Friday night at the neighborhood bar.
Nevertheless, it is my truth. My marriage dissolved because we simply grew
apart. I no longer felt wanted or needed by my spouse. I no longer felt him
look at me the way he always did. I no longer knew my place in his world. I no
longer felt loved. The same could be said for my current situation. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. Maybe
this is the debt I am meant to pay for not staying and fighting for my first
marriage. Maybe if I had been stronger, if I had stayed and tried to work it
out…maybe I wouldn’t be in such pain now. I would like to think that’s not how
God operates, but these days, I don’t know.
I suppose in my own warped sense of truth, I am getting
exactly what I deserve. The fallout of a life wasted, a life I threw away. I am
not crazy enough to think that the demise of my marriage was entirely my fault
but I was the one who left. I was clingy, emotional, wanting more from him than
I could ever hope to receive from any man. He was simply not capable of giving
me what I needed. I thought my second husband was capable. I thought he was
willing. I thought he loved me as no one ever had. He knew my personality
craved affection, attention and acknowledgement. He was my friend. He knew what
I had been through. He knew exactly what made me walk away from my first
marriage and yet here I am, in the same exact predicament. Now I feel like this
is all a test. A test that I certainly didn’t study for. A test in which I
failed miserably before. And most likely will fail again.
Living my life is like being stuck on an island all by
myself. I find the loneliness palpable. The anxiety grows in me each day and I
look around and wonder how on earth I got here and what exactly was I doing
when my life fell apart? Was I so busy that I just didn’t notice? This time, everything
is worse though. Mattie is a senior in
high school and has dreams of going away to college. He is busy doing his own
thing; a life filled with basketball, friends and activities. Tom is working so
much trying to find his niche in a job that he hates, to pay for a life that he
hates. I am merely surviving in a life I no longer recognize being a person I
no longer recognize. I am certainly making the best of my situation because
that’s what I know to do. I go through the motions. I am still a mother. I am
still a wife, and I do all the things expected of me. I cook, clean, taxi kids,
look after animals, do laundry…every single thing I’m supposed to do, mostly, without
complaining. And as I struggle to make sense of it all, my sadness begins
edging towards anger. And anger is not an emotion I relate well to. It’s like going
to the diner and seeing the prime rib on the menu that I never seem to order. I
know it’s there. It’s probably good but I merely glance at it and pick something
that is comforting, something familiar, like a burger and fries. My fear,
anxiety and sadness are my comfort zone. These emotions sit well with me. They
play nice with me and I with them. Anger is the prime rib. It’s as foreign to
me as the Italian language but as the days of my loneliness turn into months
and then years, I’m learning that even the most unexplored territories have a
purpose and a reason. The prime rib is looking better and better.
I’m not sure when I changed. It wasn’t a sudden thing,
that’s for sure. I think it’s been a barrage of little things, a conditioning
of sorts over the past 5 years that have made me angry, less caring and less emotional.
I spent so many nights crying, racking my brain trying to figure out what I had
done, what made me so unlovable, so unworthy that not just one man, but two men
felt the need to abandon me. I know abandon seems a harsh word but it’s the
only one I can use to describe how it feels. Then and now. It hurts to be left
alone. To feel that the one person in the world who is supposed to love you the
most, to need you the most, to want you the most, just doesn’t. It’s like
pouring alcohol in an open wound. The pain is intense and long lasting. I don’t
cry as much anymore. I’m quick to snap at Tom or Mattie because I’m literally
at the end of my emotional rope.
I’m not sure where I go from here. Tom is here, in body
only. He doesn’t talk to me. He certainly doesn’t touch me. I’ve often thought
maybe there is someone else in his life, someone he found that makes him smile
again, someone that makes his heart beat a little bit faster again. Someone
like the me I used to be. But then I realize that he, like me, don’t have the
time nor the inclination for such foolishness. So for now, I will wait. I will
wait and see. I will wait until I figure it out. I will get through the
holidays first and then decide. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t
want to be the fallout of another wasted life.
