His Vacation, My Torment

Well it’s that time of year again…Mattie will be leaving this Saturday to go to Florida with his dad, stepmom and little sister. I am excited for him because he will get to bask in the sun, go swimming and do fun things with his other family but while he is off having fun, I will dive into a depression so big that it may just swallow me whole. I don’t know what it is about being away from him that I hate so much. As I have said in the past, he is 13 years old and even when he is home I don’t see him very much unless he ventures out of his room for meals, snacks or drinks. Regardless if he speaks to me or not, I still know he is there, close to me; a room away.

My anxiety has little to do with his fathers ability to care for him, keep him safe, etc…It’s just the times he is away from me, I am without the one person in this world that gives my life purpose; that makes my life make sense. The unfortunate thing about this depression is that Mattie knows about it. He knows that I cry without him and that I will struggle for the entire 8 days he is gone. And that is not something he should have to shoulder. But as I say, it is what it is. He knows that you can’t pick your parents! I tell him that he may not have picked me simply because of my anxieties and being somewhat of a helicopter mom but that he could never have been given another mother that would ever love him more than me. Somehow these words are not all that inviting or comforting to a 13 year old. Nevertheless, he rolls his eyes, hugs me and tells me I will be alright. He says he will try to remember to call or text me everyday to see how I am doing. I told him I would prefer phone calls so I can hear his voice. (Another eye roll and a “God Mom! Really?”) I laugh to myself and tell him a text will suffice.

Days before he is about to leave, I feel the anxiety building already. I feel the tears wanting to come but I hold off as long as possible. It will hit me hard when he doesn’t come home from school Friday because his dad is picking him up for their trip the next morning. As usual, during his absence, I will keep busy, find something to do, clean, read, cook, bake, organize, paint, write; anything to occupy my overly dramatic, anxiety ridden brain. I remind myself that I have friends to hang with, animals to care for, a husband to cook and clean for, a full time job and 2 part time jobs to keep me busy. Mattie is only one part of my life. There are so many other parts, just not ones that are remotely as important to me.

Hopefully for me, his vacation will fly by and I won’t miss him as much as I anticipate. Maybe I will learn to love the freedom his absence provides. A vacation from the eye rolling, the “God Mom’s”, the worrying about homework, bedtimes, excessive video game playing, etc…It’s simply a welcoming break from motherhood, right? Oh who am I kidding? I will cry, be sad and think about him constantly, wishing he were with me so I could yell at him for not cleaning his room or get irritated because he waits until 5 minutes before bed to do his homework. I will count the days until he returns, when I can look into those big blue eyes and throw my arms around his neck, welcoming him home. I will smile because deep down I know as I cling to him, he will be once again, rolling his eyes.