Hoops

I know the hoop is 10 feet from the ground to the top of the rim. I know the backboard is 72 inches wide by 42 inches high. I know the diameter of the hoop is 18 inches. I know what it means to be in the paint. I know what box out means. I know what a full court press is.  Why do I know all of this? Because I’ve watched him play this game that he loves so much, a million times over the years. It’s years of watching, learning, praying, wishing and sitting on the sidelines being his biggest fan. It's also years of me playing one on one with him in the driveway. It seems those days are long gone now along with everything else.

 

 

 

 

It struck me today when I dropped the dog off at my estranged husband’s house. I’ve been doing this for months now as we wanted the transition of our separation to be as easy on the 3 of them as possible. And as I got back in my car, I stared at Mattie’s basketball hoop still in the driveway and I wondered if I would ever play with him again? If I would ever have a place to take that hoop where he would be able to play? I wondered if he would ever be under the same roof with me again. Probably not. To date I’ve only been able to find small apartments, nothing conducive for a basketball hoop and although I’ve managed to always have a bedroom for him, he has rarely stayed with me. And today of all days, I felt the pain of all that’s happened in the past few months hit me like a freight train. One in which I didn’t see coming. I sat in my car, staring at his basketball hoop and sobbed. The anxiety crashed over me and I couldn’t stop it. I just sat there, frozen. Numb from the pain.

 

It was my choice to leave my husband. On the surface, that would appear to be the true story. But the reality of it is, he left me years ago and my heart simply couldn't take being in a relationship where I wasn’t valued, where I didn't feel loved or respected. A place where loneliness filled every inch of that house we shared. It became a toxic environment for me and for Mattie. And because I chose to leave, to try and get healthy, to try and gain back whatever sense of myself I could, I lost my son. Or at least that’s how it feels.

 

I am told by my friends who have grown children with children of their own, that everything Mattie is doing is normal and should be expected. He will never need me in the same way again. Hearing that was like a punch to the gut that nearly knocked the wind out of me. I always knew in my heart that we raise our kids to become productive, self-sufficient adults who go out into the world and live their own lives. It’s our job. It’s the natural order of things. But this wasn’t the time. 3 months ago he was living his life, having a girlfriend, working, going to school, going to the gym, but he was also coming home to me, to his bedroom, to his things. He came home for dinner, for sleep, to shoot hoops. He hugged me almost every day. I feel lost without those things and my heart is broken. I know his attitude towards me and his lack of interest in my needs is not intentional and I know he loves and cares for me. I also know it’s not his job to take care of me or be overly concerned about my wellbeing but he always told me “no matter what mom, we will always be the Two Muskateers”. I guess even that has its limits. And maybe it should. Maybe that's the natural order too.

 

Maybe this has very little to do with Mattie and so much more to do with how useless I feel. My whole life was wrapped up in him. Every choice, every decision I ever made in the past 19 years has been for him, because of him. I tried to be the best mom I could be. I’m sure there were times I failed but I always put him first. I always tried. Always. Because I love him that much. And in the blink of an eye, it’s all taken away. My whole identity has been him and although I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I don’t really know who I am without him. Is that fair? No of course not. And that is my cross to bear. Along with every other decision I've made recently.  But I know this too shall pass. All of it, in time.

 

I’ve been through a lot in the past few months. My whole world has been turned upside down and all I wanted was for him to be there. To be present. To let me know that he was still there, still my Mattie. But that was probably asking too much of him. I guess he was going through his own stuff too. Maybe I need to just move on, maybe move to Florida and start over, start living my own life. Find a job, find love, find myself again, find the me that doesn’t need to intertwine my life so much with his. I know I need to find my bliss just like my mom always used to say. Maybe one day, he will need me again. For something. Anything. Maybe one day he will even want to shoot hoops with me again.