At times, I find comfort in the fact that I do not walk this road alone. I walk it with thousands, maybe even millions of mothers, my circle of sisters that simply do not have another ounce of themselves left to give. However, at this very moment, such comfort is overshadowed by my own personal reality. Today, instead of standing among an army of women, I feel myself slipping into the solitary abyss. As I sip my glass of wine, I hear the phone ringing. It is minutes after my arrival so I am certain it is my mother, checking to see if I have made it home safely. I know she will call back if I do not answer but at the moment, I can't get my body to move. I take another sip of my peace and close my eyes to the chaos and noise. I count to ten very slowly thinking that simply by counting and making a wish, possibly all things waiting on me, will cease. I open my eyes moments later and look around again. No such luck.
Finally, I set my glass down, get off my comfy couch, take 3 steps and pick up the pair of shoes, the jacket, the power ranger and the backpack my son dropped at the door on his way in. I casually walk down the hall, open his door and deposit it on the floor in which it was intended. I look around his room in amazement that living amongst such filth is acceptable to him. Being a single mother, I have certainly learned to pick my battles. In these instances I try to remember that he is only nine and nine year-olds simply don't see the need for cleanliness. The more I try to explain to him that the reason he can't find anything is because his room is a pigsty, the more he assures me that there is more to life than a clean room. He thinks there are much bigger things to worry about. So, I digress and simply close the door to his hovel. I retreat to the comfy couch, take another sip and try to get a game plan together…
Dinner, dishes, laundry, bathroom, vacuuming, DOG! On a priority list, I realize that unless I want another "something" to clean up, the dog must come first. I am hopeful that the cool, winter air will clear my head and maybe prepare myself for the tasks ahead. I wonder as I trudge through the woods and the mud, what exactly happened to me? How did I end up here? It is far too much for my brain to interpret on a Monday evening. So I think only of the glass of wine waiting for me and the unending list of chores I must carry out before bedtime.
Upon my return inside, my son is standing at the door telling me that Nana called and once again asks me when dinner will be ready. I have already decided that I am not hungry but despite my lack of appetite, I realize that I must feed the starving child. I have two options. Option 1 is to cook a full meal, complete with a protein, starch and vegetable. But I know that no matter what I make for this child standing before me, he will find something wrong with it…something he doesn't like or doesn't recognize on his plate. Option 2 is macaroni and cheese. After standing in front of the open refrigerator for what seems like hours, I close it and choose Option 2. I decide that for tonight, macaroni and cheese is 1 of the 4 major food groups. After all, pasta is a starch and the powered cheese stuff must have some sort of protein in it, right? As for the vegetable, I can throw some carrot sticks on his plate and move on. Everyone is happy.
As the water boils, I manage to start a load of laundry; spot clean the bathroom and return the call to my mother. Not bad, I think to myself. As I watch my son eat, we chat about his day and he comes up with what he calls the ultimate plan. He informs me that the dishes, the laundry and all the other things that I am stressing about can be easily be abandoned. The cure for all my angst and worry can be alleviated by watching a movie and eating a big bowl of popcorn. I certainly wish life was that simple.
After dinner, I throw the wet clothes in the dryer, start another load of laundry, do the dishes, talk to my mother again and help Matt do his homework. I pour my second glass of wine and run around the house like a madwoman trying to accomplish my daily tasks. For I know if I let them go, if I do not make my house spotless, the earth will simply stop turning. Today is like so many other days; pure chaos with me smack dab in the center of my own little circus. And I begin to wonder, is this all there is to my life? My existence seems to be made up of a mountain of details, a list of chores, a mundane routine that I must follow to have some sense of order in my life. But the truth is, there is no order to my life. There is no sense in my life. Just details, lists and routine. Just a circus. And I begin to wonder if the beautiful working of a nine year- olds mind isn't more on track than my own. I work and work and work, not just to maintain a clean home but to try and get ahead in my life. To have more, to provide a better life for my son. And in the process of working this hard and doing so much, the only thing I seem to accomplish is to make my life harder, crazier than it was in the first place. I essentially become the ringmaster of my circus and I drag my kid around in the lunacy. So, I stop for a moment and truly ask myself what will actually happen if I don't get all this stuff done today? What if I actually said no? The answer is simple. Absolutely nothing! So, I stop, take a deep breath and I decide that for today, I am done. I dump my glass of wine down the drain, yell for my son, make the popcorn and let him choose the movie. We both plop down on the comfy couch and settle in for the night. As we sit there watching a movie I have seen at least 20 times, I look at the floor that I forgot to vacuum and I smile. I tell myself not to worry. The dirt will still be there tomorrow and I can buy a ticket to the circus then.
