For the first time in a very long time, I felt sure of everything…certain about my future, certain about my choices and certain about my love and trust in another human being. It was uncomplicated and beautiful. No more doubts, no more pain, no more questioning what should be. So, to find myself sitting here today in this particular place feeling the exact way I swore I would never feel again, completely defines irony. I don’t know how I ended up here. I don’t know what I could have done differently to make the outcome turn out like I thought it was supposed to. I simply don’t know and as I struggle to understand, the world as I know it, begins to collapse.
I had, up until this point never thought that another life was possible for me. I never once believed that this one corner of the world I created for myself wasn’t exactly where I was supposed to be. I never thought for one moment that all I had fought for, all that I believed in would come tumbling down around me, again. Because in my heart, I knew this time was different. This time everything was right. This time I knew it was going to work out for me. This time, I was finally going to get it right. And throughout this whole process, I suppose that has been the hardest part for me to get past. Being so wrong when I had so much faith in it being right. Something of this magnitude certainly makes you think twice about your abilities and your decision making skills as an intelligent person. You go over and over it in your head a million times, wondering and analyzing each conversation hoping for a glimmer of something that you missed. Something that you should have seen. A tiny sign that told you to be careful, tread lightly…things aren’t exactly as they seem. And in those missed moments, you become vulnerable. You let your guard down, you let people in, you trust and you take a chance on someone you feel worthy enough to have your heart. Sometimes you get it right and sometimes you don’t. But I guess that’s the way life goes. It’s the way love goes.
